There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
