someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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