Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
