just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
