you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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