So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
