I think i sorta joined a cult last night
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
