omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
