I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
