Your face is a jimmy john
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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