i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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