at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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