And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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