1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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