So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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