At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
