The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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