Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
