she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
