I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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