found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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