i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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