Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
