Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
