On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
