I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Is it penis luge time yet?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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