i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
