Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
