My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
