Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
