mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
