yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
