I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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