after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
