I hate all girls vehemently.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
