I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
