I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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