I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
