be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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