You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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