Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
