You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
