i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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