a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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