I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
