he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
