Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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