My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
