I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
