My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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