I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
