I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My pussy is not your playground.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
